i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms