I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
