dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
