Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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