Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
