Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
