the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
