saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
