i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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