how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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