I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
