Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
