you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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