He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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