Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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