I want to walk on stilts...naked
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
