my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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