I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
