he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
