He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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