Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there was a trapeze. enough said
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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