i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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