Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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