moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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