Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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