I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
