Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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