My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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