he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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