Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
