I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
