Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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