i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
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Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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