I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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