I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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