I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
