When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dicks are not precious.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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