phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
