I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
