3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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