You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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