i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
