dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
