Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
