Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
