OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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