Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
