Screwed.edu
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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