I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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