I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
