You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
vagina is talking i cant
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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