My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
