Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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