Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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