Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
