i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
